Future island mommy

Surprise! I live on an island! Make that a 175 acre island with 11 full-time residents, about 100 vacation homes, an airstrip, and a community building. Through good fortune and my mother-in-law's generous heart, my husband and I have been living on this island for about a month now and don't plan on leaving anytime soon.

IKEA kitchen cabinets

It is still quite a work in process, but what part of life isn't? We have running water, electricity, and a cozy wood stove, which is more than a lot of people have in this world. I call it 'Rustic Chic'. The cabin is a design from the Tumbleweed Tiny House Company, built by a contractor who lives part time on the island. The pine interior is so light and beautiful.

I love this island. I love waking up to deer munching grass out my window. I love that my commute to work consists of boating and bicycling and has nothing to do with a freeway. I love the tiny community we have been welcomed into with arms open wide.

I have such visions of life here with a child. Playing in the tide pools. Taking care of a huge vegetable garden and understanding the gifts of the earth. Discovering creatures of the sea and earth. Finding secret spots on our half acre of forested land. I want our child to know the names of the plants and animals we share this island with and to love and respect this beautiful planet.

My sister reading on our front porch

Why waiting is hard

Peregrine, 12 months

Waiting to try to conceive would be easier if I had more doubts about my ability to care for a child. Unfortunately, I have taking care of kids since I was twelve years old and in the past year have been a nanny for several different infants so I know I can do it. I've never spent a full night with a baby or satisfied their hunger with my body, but I am well aware of the sacrifices a parent makes. And still, every time one of them cracks a toothless grin or I am able to soothe them gently to sleep, my heart aches for one of my own.

I have experienced such intense bonding and emotional connections with the babes I've spent time with this year. I remember feeding a bottle of breast milk to four month old Kieran and feeling waves of love washing over us. A love so thick and strong you could taste it. I just sat and wept as the zing! of energy flowed between us. If I have had such strong experiences with a kid I only saw once a week I can't even imagine the intensity of love I will feel for my own child.

Those are the days when I can't bear to leave my "job". Those are the days I feel guilty that my job is so fulfilling, so rich with emotion. I linger in the kitchen washing bottles, watching the child and parent reconnect. Feeling both parties relax as they are reunited. Feeling jealousy seep into my bones.

Relax, I tell myself. Trust in the journey, I say. This will be you soon enough.

Tonight

Tonight I can't stop my toes from wiggling as I peruse mama blogs and beautifully-written stories of homebirth.

Tonight I can't stop thinking about how powerful and peaceful my own labor and birth might be [someday].

I have felt such a craving to become a mother for over a year now. Nothing to do with my biological clock -- I am only 22 years old. Maybe having something to do with my upbringing -- daughter of a homebirth midwife. But whatever the reason, there is an enormous, fire-y, intense desire within me to surrender my body and welcome a new soul into this world.

And after some time of living this desire, my wonderful soul mate-husband-partner of two and a half years is almost ready to take the leap with me! Miles and I are hoping to start welcoming a baby into our lives on New Years Day.

With this joyful decision comes fear as well. Will people think I got pregnant because I couldn't make a career work or because it was the next logical step? Will we have enough money to support ourselves and a child? Will I be able to handle the sleep deprivation? I am speaking these fears aloud as to relinquish myself from their power. Here's to concentrating on the positive and going with the flow!

Blessed be.