Why waiting is hard

Peregrine, 12 months

Waiting to try to conceive would be easier if I had more doubts about my ability to care for a child. Unfortunately, I have taking care of kids since I was twelve years old and in the past year have been a nanny for several different infants so I know I can do it. I've never spent a full night with a baby or satisfied their hunger with my body, but I am well aware of the sacrifices a parent makes. And still, every time one of them cracks a toothless grin or I am able to soothe them gently to sleep, my heart aches for one of my own.

I have experienced such intense bonding and emotional connections with the babes I've spent time with this year. I remember feeding a bottle of breast milk to four month old Kieran and feeling waves of love washing over us. A love so thick and strong you could taste it. I just sat and wept as the zing! of energy flowed between us. If I have had such strong experiences with a kid I only saw once a week I can't even imagine the intensity of love I will feel for my own child.

Those are the days when I can't bear to leave my "job". Those are the days I feel guilty that my job is so fulfilling, so rich with emotion. I linger in the kitchen washing bottles, watching the child and parent reconnect. Feeling both parties relax as they are reunited. Feeling jealousy seep into my bones.

Relax, I tell myself. Trust in the journey, I say. This will be you soon enough.